did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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