im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
