Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
