Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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