I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize