just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
