Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize