New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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