i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
