i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
