at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
