Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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