She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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