ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
