So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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