matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize