I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My penis needs a shock collar
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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