you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
