I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize