i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
