i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's always time for handjobs
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
