Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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