He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
