I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
