It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
