oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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