If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
