dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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