proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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