I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
