I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
