Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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