I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize