if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize