I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
