I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
