Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
