sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am naked and annoyed.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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