Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
