I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
