Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
