Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
