They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
