after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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