just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
