How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
