We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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