i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Found the puke drawer
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
