I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
