Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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