i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
