shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
