So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
