I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
