She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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